Going “public” with this pregnancy has brought a lot of mixed emotions for me. The bigger I get, though, the more real it becomes and I think for all our planning, Daniel and I are actually starting to feel like we might be parents afterall.
Going public also means opening ourselves up to public scrutiny, whether it be over breastfeeding, me going back to work, cloth diapering, or not finding out the baby’s sex. What’s interesting is that people are most angry about us not finding out what we’re having. And I mean actually angry.
“What?! How can you not find out!?”
Daniel and I have both been asked many times why we aren’t finding out our little bear’s sex. Part of it is wanting to be surprised, part of it is having a goal to (literally) push toward during what I hope will be a natural, unmedicated delivery, part is wanting gender neutral clothes to pass down from this child to the next… but more importantly, I don’t want to know because the day will come when all of these unknowns are certain.
If all goes well, one day I will wake up in a home where this baby is a part of our narrative, a matter-of-fact. We will call them by name, hug them and catch the smell of their hair. They will look at us with bright eyes, their color unmistakable. They will be rambunctious, timid, chatty, shy, confident, or insecure. They will talk of becoming an artist, mathematician, astronaut, musician, pro-athlete, or bartender. They will settle into their role, not only as our child, but as our oldest, possibly to a mix of biological and adopted siblings. They will need surgeries, or they won’t. They will need braces (most definitely–sorry, kid). They will teach and they will be taught. And we’ll get to see this baby grow into the person they are meant to become, to encourage them to develop so that they can offer to us and to this world whatever message they are here to bring. It’s only for this brief moment that our possibilities are endless–we have no knowledge or predilections toward who this baby is or will be. What we do know for now is that we are privileged to be parents to this tiny unknown, to our little moon child.
And that June will be here before we know it. 💚